Fighting jealousy with hatred to reach success

So I read a blog post right now, and it's happening again. It's a long post, well written, lots of comments, the content is good. And here's the problem:

I feel jealous.

Similarly it happens when I find a cool website of a company that's succeeding at doing something similar to what we are trying to do.

The internet causes such conflicting emotions, or perhaps it simply enhances those I am already experiencing. This morning I was in awe, enjoying and laughing at some videos I found on Chris Reeds blog, and this evening I am consumed with jealousy. It can be so exhausting, but I keep coming back because of the value - but is the pain worth the reward?

I find my brain quietly working out ways to undermine the blog, trying to find holes in his argument, flaws in his grammar. I am almost about to comment something mean like, "do you not think people need to come to these conclusions about these things by themselves... " but I run out of steam. I have no basis to my argument. I just need to rebuild my ego.

Recovering from sense of failure:

I read in "Stumbling on Happiness" by Daniel Gilbert, about an experiment that was conducted to measure how long it takes to recover from criticism depending on the circumstances. He talks about the ways we adapt to something once it has happened through a variety of rationalisations that we don't foresee - through these so-called errors of imagination.

They found that the time it takes to recover is much shorter if you are judged incompetent by only one person, e.g. you fail to get offered a job after a job interview with one person; than being on the receiving end of 5 people's opinions of you being incompetent.

You do this by rationalising why those people were wrong. Maybe you internally call them idiots, decide that they wouldn't know a good employee if they saw one, or maybe they were simply having a bad day etc. And obviously it's easier to do with only one person, and so you recover quicker.

Anyway, where was I headed with this?

Jealous reaction = feel like a failure

Oh yes - so when I read other people's work, and it's pretty good, I immediately have this jealous reaction. I recognise that they are a competitor, or that they are doing better than me, and somehow I judge myself as having failed. In that jealous instant, they have succeeded, or are a step ahead of me.



Jealousy makes my brain prepare the whole give up speech, "There's no point me writing anymore because there are already so many good writers out there, I'll just go and get a job instead... blah blah blah."

I am constantly aware of this instinct, damn meditation messing with my awareness, so it's like I'm constantly being followed around by an invisible evil monster as I browse the web, who whispers, "You should have thought of this, you could have written that, why didn't you?". I need someone to send me a drawing of said menacing creature.

So my brain has to find a rational way out of this, it has to adapt otherwise I may give up - if us humans let jealousy win, none of us would ever do anything with our lives... so there has to be a safety mechanism built in, right? And I think it mine may be hatred...

Recovery Mechanism = Hatred


I'm sorry bloggers, but I have to save myself, and in order to build up my ego. I have to break you great bloggers down, otherwise I end up being jealous of you, and quitting.

So sometimes I find myself secretly hating people. I find myself poking holes in their research, attacking their personality, I convince myself they are losers, or they are full of shite... and then I generate this strong dislike for people I have never even had a conversation with. Sometimes the secret hatred progresses so far without me realising it, that I find myself not retweeting their tweets.

But then I feel guilty when I realise that I hate people that I've never met... that's a bit extreme...

But why does hatred protect me better than jealousy?

When I say jealousy, I really mean:

Envy: "a feeling of grudging admiration and desire to have something that is possessed by another."

And why does hatred protect me better than envy?

Hatred: "Rebellion against good accompanied by aggression. Hatred results in annihilation."

Annihilation - now that's cool!

So I don't know what's more upsetting - the jealousy, the exhaustion from secretly carrying around all this hatred for people who only exist as words on a screen, or the guilt when I realise I hate them in the first place for no real reason, other than the protection of my own ego.

Guilt: "the state of having committed an offense."

The positive about all of this is that I am also aware of the bloggers that I really like and admire - the words on a screen that I look forward to reading, and am blind to their flaws. You guys are wonderful, inspirational, and beyond the petty rationalisations of jealousy, hatred or guilt, but unfortunately, you are generally writing out of my genre, or way above my level of expertise, she says as though she has a field of expertise :)

Conclusion = I am insane

So I reckoned I was just going insane to be honest, I still do think I am going insane. No one else can possibly be feeling what I am feeling, except... I'm human, so I can't be the only one feeling this resentment, right? How are you guys dealing with it??

Watching this video from Alain de Botton on TED, "A kinder, gentler philosophy of success," I think he put his finger on it for me, and I felt I must get some balls and write about it. It goes back to his idea that in our generation, we have this idea that anything is possible - that we can do anything we set our minds to. So it's a tough environment to be attempting to succeed in.

If we all have the potential to be the best, and be successful - however a person defines success - how do we deal with the fact that most of us are not "successful" yet? Are we failures until we are successful? What's in between?

He can explain it more eloquently than me anyhow: