Work issues

Yesterday I had a shit day at work. I met my new friend afterwards, (we were meant to play squash but the courts were full so we settled for having a drink instead) and I was able to scream and shout and let it all out!

So in the midst of us both moaning, I felt myself being carried along on the bandwagon, finding more and more things to complain about! All of a sudden I started feeling pissed off - I have been through a lot of shit, and I was pissed off that I had already forgotten the most fundamental thing that I learned: No one has a perfect life. Happiness is not given to you - you have to go and get it. There is no such thing as "when I have a better job, then I'll be happy". Fair enough, you may feel less bad on a daily basis, but you cannot rely on your job to be the thing that needs to change in order for your life to be happier - YOU have to change. Plus!: Sitting around complaining is not gonna get us a better job! We have to go find it! We have this idea when we are struggling, that everyone else is happier, or luckier. But I remember, when I was sick, and even now, it is impossible to find people who are without problems in their lives. And there is no way to measure whose problem is larger, or more important.

I interrupted her in mid sob story, and asked her to name 5 good things in her life. She told me it was impossible, but I insisted. I didnt want to be telling her what to do, I know that perhaps I would have gotten better results if I had trained as a psychologist - if I was able to ask her the correct questions so that she could come to the conclusion by herself, but this exercise was as much for me as for her, and I felt I needed to at least plant a "positive thinking" seed in her brain...

So she did so. And we created this lovely bond between us, that ok, work can be tough sometimes, and maybe we need to start looking for other jobs, or at least speak up about our problems and try and sort them out. But to sit in our negativity, and moan, we both felt like shit doing it. Sometimes life gives us a hard situation to deal with, and by reliving the drama and the pain, by dwelling in the awfulness of the situation, we do ourselves no good. The sooner we can accept that this is the way things are going to be - in my friends case, for 2 years; in my case - until I start making money from other sources! the easier it will be to just rise above it.

When I came home I remembered Sunny Jacobs, who I wrote about ages ago - she was happy living on Death row, in a tiny little cell, alone. And I remembered how I managed to feel positive even being told I had 2 years to live, with no boob, with an open wound in my chest, with no hair, with physical pain from chemo... In that state I realised that all I need is hope - hope that the pain will go away, and hope that I will get better; and love from my family and friends. All the rest is bullshit. When I felt well again, it was the most beautiful feeling - that all I need is to not feel that ache in my brain from the drugs.

Ok, my job is not perfect, but I earn a bit of money, I've made a friend, and I am not sitting alone at home everyday. I am learning about people, and about illnesses, and I am learning how to deal with my inability to take orders! Its just so hard, to keep remembering - that all this is extra - that all I need to be happy is to be well and to have love, and to remember to look on the bright side of life. Screw Maslow's pyramid.

So my gratitude for life has been lost, and I am trying to find it again. I guess I just have gotten so used to being well... Long may it last.

I hope you all had a smashing day at work, or if you didnt, that you can take the time to list 5 good things in your life, and try to remember that theres more to life than work, even though it doesnt seem that way sometimes...

Love el xx