Are you an extravert or an introvert?

Reading Dorothy Rowe's book "Dorothy Rowe's Guide to life" changed the way I see the world. For anyone who hasn't heard her theories, I'll try and explain my favourite one.

She reckons that we are all either introverts, or extraverts. Not extrovert but extravert, with an 'a' (brings up memories of explaining meetforeal, with one 'r':-)).

Before I explain the difference, let me just clarify that apart from this initial identification which she perceives to be a determined characteristic, she then goes on to say that the secret of life is that we are capable of changing anything in our lives. That it is our specific set of beliefs, and the meaning structure which we have developed, unique to each individual, that shapes our view of the world around us, and this structure can be changed by allowing ourselves to see the structure itself, and step outside of it.

This links in nicely with the event we are holding in a couple weeks for anyone who is interested in thinking, and awareness, and how we can change the way we see the world, and the difficulties we perceive that we face... more details here; but anyway, I'll stop waffling and get to the point!

Introverts and extraverts can have the same external results: in this simple exercise you can see that Mary feels it's important for her to be on time for meetings, but when you do the ladder exercise, you can see that depending on her reasons behind the act, she shows whether she is an introvert or an extravert. So it's the reasons behind WHY you do something, not necessarily the behaviour itself.

Let me do the ladder exercise.

So Mary likes being on time for meetings, she feels its important.

Interviewer: "Why?"

Mary: "Because I don't want to be late"

Interviewer: "But why don't you want to be late?"

Mary: "Because I want to get the most out of the meeting, be fresh and alert and not stressed"

Interviewer: "And why is it important for you not to be stressed?"

Mary: "Because then I can achieve my best."

Interviewer: "Why is it important for you to achieve your best?"

Mary: "Because it's important for me to achieve my best!"

This is where the ladder may run out... and if it does, it can be said that Mary may be an introvert: she experiences her sense of existence as achieving.

If however Mary continues and says:

Mary: "Because it's important to me that the people at the meeting see me at my best, and have the best possible opinion of me."

Interviewer: "So is it important that others see you at your best?"

Mary: "Yes, of course."

Here, Mary shows that she may be an extravert, that she experiences her sense of existence as being in relationship to other people.

Introvert:Experiencing your sense of existence as developing, organizing clarifying, achieving; seeing the threat of the annihilation of your existence as disorder, mess and chaos.

Extravert:Experiencing your sense of existence as being in relationship to other people; seeing the threat of annihilation of your existence as rejection and abandonment.

An Introvert will be more inclined to doubt his/her external reality e.g. feeling of not really being there.

An Extravert will be more inclined to doubt his/her internal reality e.g. sense of loss of self.

This is because the Introvert listens more to their internal reality, while the Extravert listens more to their external reality.

An Introverts idea of being alone is of themselves on an empty planet.
An Extraverts idea of being alone is of being isolated and often rejected.

An Introvert's ultimate aim is personal achievement.
An Extravert's ultimate aim is good relationships.

An Introvert will leave a group of people because they feel over-stimulated.
An Extravert will leave a group of people because they fear rejection.

However, as I mentioned, being an introvert, or extravert can have similar results externally. And depending on how good you feel about yourself, can alter how you express this part of yourself.

Obviously, this is a short, very simplistic, explanation, but if you find it interesting, she has written books on the subject.

She says that in almost every couple, there is an introvert and an extravert, even though initially it may seem like both of you are one or the other.

So I found that I am an extravert, which seemed initially odd to me, because that means Adrian is the introvert, yet he is the one holding "talking to strangers" workshops, but it's obvious that he pushes himself to achieve these things as he feels they are important in his life.

And on further investigation, I remember writing this diary entry, below, over 6 months ago, and after reading it, I know I am an extravert! That combined with the fact that I struggled to write this because its important for me to please my readers, and I don't want to turn you against Dorothy Rowes writing because of something I have mentioned here!! But anyhow, here's some of my journal, maybe it will resonate with some of you extraverts, and if it doesn't, I guess you are an introvert... :-)

By the way why is this important you may ask?

Because she says that for introverts, it's important that they have something in their lives through which they can fulfil their requirement for a sense of achievement; and for extraverts, it's important that they have a close network of people who they can feel identified with, who support them and love them. So its something to keep in mind.

My diary:

I was cycling home today from work, and it just occurred to me. What if I had no where to go? And why do I need to get home so badly anyhow? Do I have something pressing to do? I know that when I get home, I will wonder what to do next. And if I had no home to go to, no destination in mind, what would I do? Where would I go?

I suppose we fight our whole lives not to have to have the sensation of not having a home to go to. Except people who are homeless and choose to be. Perhaps I will one day find our their reasoning behind it. Or the travelling community, or gypsies, who spend their whole lives moving from one point to the next. However they have a home, their caravan.

As the world is becoming globalised, for the first time we do have the choice of not going home, of not going to work, of taking a flight and just arriving with no destination in mind, no hotel booked. All you need is money and perseverance and a lot of balls.

That, coupled with the new sensation of meeting new people, new faces everyday, means that the world we live in is drastically different from that which we evolved in. And as such, these sensations are both petrifying and incredibly satisfying. Meeting new people leaves you with a temporary buzz, and the act of stepping out of your comfort zone to even spend a few days in another country, far from home, is tempting enough to keep a number of huge businesses ticking over.

But what if we were to only meet new people. And what if we were to never settle down. What if that holiday became a life, and the movement ensured that you never met the same person enough times to get to know them. That would be isolation of the highest order. People do it. Jobs are the main reason why, but there are others who seek such isolation, and after a number of years of this behaviour, the people they knew in a place called "Home" either move on, or die away, and the language attached to the birthplace become meddled with the languages of current destinations, and there no longer is a home to go back to.

I wonder what that feels like. Just the thought of not having a destination after I'm finished work causes my heart to beat a little faster. I can't imagine what it would be like to be without a home on this earth.

I often seek isolation, avoiding my workmates in order to have lunch alone. I take it outside or I deliberately go at a time when I know they will be busy. And I enjoy it. That time when I am alone, free to do as I wish. No conversations to attempt, no small talk to create, I am satisfied and comfortable.

But after a few days of isolating lunches, I realise that I am out of the loop, I have no friends at work, no one to talk to, no one to tell my news to. I have no small talk to make as I have spent so much time by myself that they don't open up to me, and I am lost in conversations. So those few moments I steal to spend alone have repercussions beyond measure. And yet I still delight in them. The forbidden act, which I know is all the more forbidden now because it is not a productive behaviour.

And as I cycle home, I know that I can stray off the path, I can bypass home and go into town, there is nothing stopping me. But somehow there is a sensation that it is wrong. And that emptiness fills me as I realise that if I do not go home, that there is no reason to be here. Is there a meaning to life if you have no home to go to? If you have no people to talk to? If you have no one who knows you, loves you or misses you?