Developing Equanimity

When I worked as a waitress in Wildwood, I was asked once why I was so friendly to the customers - why I bothered being so smiley, offering them a helping hand, never a harsh word or an angry comment; even when customers left no tip, or were rude to me; even when I was tired or in a bad mood.... (That might be exaggerating a tad, the illusions of memories)

I said it was because it wasn't fair on the customer for me to inflict my bad day on him/her. If I infected someone, then they would infect someone else, and it would infect the whole world... eventually. I didn't understand what the point was of adding more nastiness to the already unhappy world, and that if I could brighten up one persons day with the effort of a smile, then it was a generous offering, one that might be spread around the world instead.

That was a long time ago now... and I have since learned that there are deeper forces at work - behaviours related to extraverts, and non-zero-sum games etc, and as such my illusion has been partially shattered, however it's a convenient interpretation which sounds pretty and positive and nice, and it still represents what I believe. And it's related to my current problem: Writing.

It has never been my intention to cause anyone pain, see earlier idyllic story. As a writer, I enjoy expressing my ideas, hopefully positive ones, and sharing my experiences; however I was just reminded recently that it can be quite tough to be a writer, and not for all the reasons that have been explained to me previously.

They tell you that to be a writer, you need to be persistent, able to take the constant rejections, the battery of kicks in the face, and face the ever-growing competition with unrelenting self belief. But I don't remember anyone advising me to be tame in my subject choice so I wouldn't offend or annoy people. You don't get famous by being popular right? But who's gonna buy your books if no one likes you?

I was reminded that the world is full of people with different ideas, people who interpret the world from a unique point of view, and not everyone can be open and forgiving of opinions that conflict with their own viewpoint.

I was reminded that as a naive, honest and forthcoming writer, it's particularly easy to harass, hurt, inflict psychological pain, annoy, offend, attack and abuse people without intending to through the written word.

What's surprising to me is how hurtful it is to be the writer on the receiving end of someone else's negative interpretation. It can feel like a personal attack, on the choice of content, on the writing style, on the writer themselves.

This is what they must mean by developing a thick skin - but I always thought it referred to being rejected - I can handle being rejected. I don't like to think that I am offending people. That makes me feel sick to my stomach.

It can create this spiral of negativity:

• Piece published, no offence intended


• Writing interpreted as offensive


• Reader feels awful


• Reader relays back the offensive nature of the piece


• Offence interpreted by the writer as personally offensive


• Writer feels awful


• Writer goes on rampage to offend more people... well maybe not

So what do I do now? Do I keep writing about banal topics so I can keep my readers happy? Do I have to be careful about what I say? What about being honest and saying what I think and believe? But I don't want to be stressing myself out that I have offended someone or that I will offend someone...!

So I thought some of you out there might have gone through, or be going through the same dilemma, and I wanted to share with you this piece I read from "Insight Meditation", quite fittingly on the day I myself received mild negative feedback, and it helped tremendously: here's just an excerpt.

"It's said that a man once visited the Buddha's monastery to ask questions about his teachings. The first person he saw was a monk sitting in meditation. This monk had taken a temporary vow of silence, so when the visitor questioned him, he didn't respond at all. The man stomped away, furious.

He returned the next day and encountered a monk who, as well as being highly realized, was particularly erudite and scholarly. In response to his question, the monk launched into a very elaborate theoretical discourse about the Buddha's teaching. Again, the man became furious, and left.

On his third visit, the man came upon another senior disciple of the Buddha named Ananda. Ananda had heard what had happened on the man's previous visit, so he was careful to respond, but not to say too much. The man again, flew into a rage. "How dare you teach such profound and weighty matters so sketchily?" he demanded and strode off angrily.

The monks went to the Buddha and asked him to cast some light on what had happened. The Buddha said, "If you say nothing, some people will blame you; if you say a lot, some people will blame you; if you say just a little, some people will blame you. There's always blame in this world."

That's the nature of our lives. You can probably remember, at some point in your life, having received both strong praise and strong blame for the identical action. It's inevitable.

In the constant changing climate of praise and blame, our refuge lies in an understanding of our own motivation. It means that we must be incredibly honest and sensitive to our own motivation, and to the level of skill with which we act - because that, more than anything, will reveal to us the nature of the action. What other people say may hurt or please us, but it's not an accurate reflection of our integrity."

So in future I will do my utmost to pull up my writers socks, and make a more concerted effort to establish why I'm writing what I'm writing, and if it could harm anyone, and if I feel that my motivation, and intention is good, then I'll continue.

Apologies for the length! Thanks for reading!

Jack of all trades or master of one?

I am reminded of a post I wrote about mutantspace.ie, where you can donate a few hours of your time per week in what you are good at, to get other resources in return, and I was faced with the question : "What am I good at?".

With the recession kicking, I refuse to indulge in its negative connotations, however it does bring up the question in all of our minds - that if someone has lost their job, or their company, that was developed through years of struggle, on the way to earning expert status in a particular field, do they have to fuckinhg start at the bottom again?

I bet they are left wondering: "What am I good at?" or more likely: "What will someone pay me to do?" How depressing to find yourself at the bottom of the heap again, at the back of the race.

I'm still no further down this personal line of inquiry, and the impatience is making me weary, the frustration of having to wait, and work, and be determined, and be passionate, and do what I love is wearing me down. I am impatient to be an expert. Especially since what I am working towards being an expert at seems to alter daily, and then I'm constantly back at square one - 10,000 hours (according to Malcolm Gladwell) from expert status.

It's all envy, envy of people who are Tai chi teachers and can hold tai chi classes on Kilkee beach (Tues & Thurs at 10a.m - 12 if you're interested); envious of people who have meditated for years on end, and have reached clarity of mind, envious of those who have published books and have a smooth stream of income, envious of people who are successful chefs, or entrepreneurs, even those people who have a large following on twitter, I envy.

Perhaps it's the stage I am at in life, that stage where it seems like everyone around me is an expert. That or I'm just having a bad week.



It feels like I'm always playing catch up, and I'm not the only one - there are short cuts advertised everywhere for mugs like us - Bill Harris of Holosync claims you can reach the mental level of a person who has meditated for 20 years in only a few months; slow starters to twitter are tempted to cut corners by following links the promise: "Get 400 followers on twitter here". Why are we always trying to catch up on those random few who managed to invest their time in a noble cause right from the start, or so it seems, and now the "gap" between them and us just widens into an expanse so great that we dare not begin the journey because we know who has already won the race.

It doesn't help that we are running events that surround experts - these illusive people who we pay to see, to hear their story of how they did it - how they managed to get through the frustration and emerge, triumphant.

But is there a day when you turn around and say, "Now, I'm officially an expert"? Or is there always someone ahead of you?

I think most of us pay to see these experts to be inspired, to keep our heads above water, and to be reminded that it is possible, but it takes time. However there is a tiny part of our brains that listens to the expert's life story with a hint of delirium, we perk up our ears, gullible and hopeful fools, waiting for that one expert to turn around and say - you know, it wasn't a lot of hard work and persistence, it wasn't 10 years of working nonstop with determination, and drive, and consistency and never giving up. I just woke up one day, and I had made it.

But why does our society reward people who are masters in the first place? Instead of a jack of all trades? Why do we revere people who are at the top of a single tree of expertise, in the middle of a forest of knowledge?

What I listen for now, hopeful, gullible Ellen is for the expert to say, "I liked lots of different things, and it turns out, I was rewarded for never choosing only one or two. Now a lot of people pay me just to be me."

I don't want to be a master of just one area. I think the world has so much more to offer than sticking your head in one particular topic and following it for a lifetime. It's easier, (is it?) to just be a Biomedical Engineer for instance, and work your way to the top... but when you're at the top, what then? With the world opening up, and knowledge so readily available, it becomes almost absurd to concentrate all your energy on just one theme.

So instead of trying to follow the common rules of society which state that you need to be a master of one thing, how boring is that! I am going to buck the curve, (to make myself feel better) and open up to the possibility of the alternative which is being interested in, and average at, a lot of things. I am now officially a master at not being a master. So hands up who'll pay me for that? ;)

Meditation weekend

Hey there,

Did you like adrians post? So odd of him to write - I guess he was bored being here all alone all weekend :) I should leave him alone more often!

So my weekend was superb, I am still feeling the after effects of it, I feel very peaceful and relaxed, like I can react to any situation with ease. We learned Lovingkindness or metta meditation, from Buddhism, and I got a great book - its called Liberating Insight by Frits Koster. He's a dutch guy and the lady who gave us the workshop, Marjo, is Dutch too, she translated it into english. Its like a rough guide to Buddhism and its really great - obviously there are problems with every religion, but what I love about the teachings of Buddha is that he never claimed to be god, he never said he was "a buddhist" but that he practiced kindness. I think we would have a lot less war in the world if we didn't have labels for our belief system.

So there were 16 of us on the retreat, and we learned how to practice lovingkindness, where you try and find compassion for yourself, and then for others, by wishing yourself well, and wishing everyone else well. Its like a way to send out waves of kindness. It was a really cool experience, I learned a lot about myself, and how I find it so easy to feel compassion for others, for people I have never even met, but that it is so hard for me to give that compassion to myself. I think I finally caught a glimpse of what you guys all went through seeing me sick, and how that must have been so hard... just in terms of not wanting any human being, and especially not one you love, to go through any kind of suffering.

We also learned a bit of insight meditation, or vipassana, where you just watch your thoughts and feelings come and go, and you can realise that sadness, or boredom, or irritation, even pleasure, that they are not solid, that they come and go, pass and fade and come back again, and its fascinating to watch, our minds are so crazy when we sit and watch their complexity.

Ill try and meditate here at home, but its different, more difficult when you dont have someone guiding you, and supporting you. I will definitely do another retreat. The lady that taught us has a meditation centre in Cork, Passaddhi if anyone is interested in trying it!

So thats all. I hope it gives you strength in low moments to know that at any moment, all over the world there are people practicing lovingkindness, and sending out messages of love and compassion to all of us.

Love el xx