I said it was because it wasn't fair on the customer for me to inflict my bad day on him/her. If I infected someone, then they would infect someone else, and it would infect the whole world... eventually. I didn't understand what the point was of adding more nastiness to the already unhappy world, and that if I could brighten up one persons day with the effort of a smile, then it was a generous offering, one that might be spread around the world instead.
That was a long time ago now... and I have since learned that there are deeper forces at work - behaviours related to extraverts, and non-zero-sum games etc, and as such my illusion has been partially shattered, however it's a convenient interpretation which sounds pretty and positive and nice, and it still represents what I believe. And it's related to my current problem: Writing.
It has never been my intention to cause anyone pain, see earlier idyllic story. As a writer, I enjoy expressing my ideas, hopefully positive ones, and sharing my experiences; however I was just reminded recently that it can be quite tough to be a writer, and not for all the reasons that have been explained to me previously.
They tell you that to be a writer, you need to be persistent, able to take the constant rejections, the battery of kicks in the face, and face the ever-growing competition with unrelenting self belief. But I don't remember anyone advising me to be tame in my subject choice so I wouldn't offend or annoy people. You don't get famous by being popular right? But who's gonna buy your books if no one likes you?
I was reminded that the world is full of people with different ideas, people who interpret the world from a unique point of view, and not everyone can be open and forgiving of opinions that conflict with their own viewpoint.
I was reminded that as a naive, honest and forthcoming writer, it's particularly easy to harass, hurt, inflict psychological pain, annoy, offend, attack and abuse people without intending to through the written word.
What's surprising to me is how hurtful it is to be the writer on the receiving end of someone else's negative interpretation. It can feel like a personal attack, on the choice of content, on the writing style, on the writer themselves.
This is what they must mean by developing a thick skin - but I always thought it referred to being rejected - I can handle being rejected. I don't like to think that I am offending people. That makes me feel sick to my stomach.
It can create this spiral of negativity:
- Piece published, no offence intended
- Writing interpreted as offensive
- Reader feels awful
- Reader relays back the offensive nature of the piece
- Offence interpreted by the writer as personally offensive
- Writer feels awful
- Writer goes on rampage to offend more people... well maybe not
So what do I do now? Do I keep writing about banal topics so I can keep my readers happy? Do I have to be careful about what I say? What about being honest and saying what I think and believe? But I don't want to be stressing myself out that I have offended someone or that I will offend someone...!
So I thought some of you out there might have gone through, or be going through the same dilemma, and I wanted to share with you this piece I read from "Insight Meditation", quite fittingly on the day I myself received mild negative feedback, and it helped tremendously: here's just an excerpt.
"It's said that a man once visited the Buddha's monastery to ask questions about his teachings. The first person he saw was a monk sitting in meditation. This monk had taken a temporary vow of silence, so when the visitor questioned him, he didn't respond at all. The man stomped away, furious.
He returned the next day and encountered a monk who, as well as being highly realized, was particularly erudite and scholarly. In response to his question, the monk launched into a very elaborate theoretical discourse about the Buddha's teaching. Again, the man became furious, and left.
On his third visit, the man came upon another senior disciple of the Buddha named Ananda. Ananda had heard what had happened on the man's previous visit, so he was careful to respond, but not to say too much. The man again, flew into a rage. "How dare you teach such profound and weighty matters so sketchily?" he demanded and strode off angrily.
The monks went to the Buddha and asked him to cast some light on what had happened. The Buddha said, "If you say nothing, some people will blame you; if you say a lot, some people will blame you; if you say just a little, some people will blame you. There's always blame in this world."
That's the nature of our lives. You can probably remember, at some point in your life, having received both strong praise and strong blame for the identical action. It's inevitable.
In the constant changing climate of praise and blame, our refuge lies in an understanding of our own motivation. It means that we must be incredibly honest and sensitive to our own motivation, and to the level of skill with which we act - because that, more than anything, will reveal to us the nature of the action. What other people say may hurt or please us, but it's not an accurate reflection of our integrity."
So in future I will do my utmost to pull up my writers socks, and make a more concerted effort to establish why I'm writing what I'm writing, and if it could harm anyone, and if I feel that my motivation, and intention is good, then I'll continue.
Apologies for the length! Thanks for reading!
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